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... y to mouth your
maxims--if only you knew how fully I myself comprehend the
sordidness of my present state, you would not trouble to wag
your tongues at me! What could you say to me that I do not
already know? Well, wherein lies my difficulty? It lies in the
fact that by a single turn of a roulette wheel everything for
me, has become property letting changed. Yet, had things befallen otherwise,
these moralists would have been among the first (yes, I feel
persuaded of it) to approach me with friendly jests and
congratulations. Yes, they would never have turned from me as
they are doing now! A fig for all of property letting them! What am I? I am
zero--nothing. What shall I be tomorrow? I may be risen from the
dead, and have begun life anew.
For still, I may discover the man
in myself, if only my manhood has not become utterly shattered.
I went, I say, to Homburg, but afterwards went also to
Roulettenberg, as well as to Spa and Baden; in which latter
place, for a time, I acted as valet to a certain rascal of a
Privy Councillor, by name Heintze, who until lately was also my
master here. Yes, for five months I lived my life with lacqueys!
That was just after I had come out of Roulettenberg prison,
where I had lain for a small debt which I owed. Out of that
prison I was bailed by--by whom? By Mr. Astley? By Polina? I do
not know.
At all events, the debt was paid to property letting the tune of two
hundred thalers, and I sallied forth a free man. But what was I
to do with myself ? In my dilemma I had recourse to this
Heintze, who was a young scapegrace, and the sort of man who
could speak and write three languages. At first ex local property I acted as his
secretary, at a salary of thirty gulden a month, but afterwards
I became his lacquey, for the reason that he could not afford to
keep a secretary--only an unpaid servant.
I had nothing else to
turn to, so I remained with him, and allowed myself to become
his flunkey. But by stinting myself in meat and drink I saved,
during my five months of service, some seventy gulden; and one
evening, when we were at Baden, I told him that I wished to
resign my post, and then hastened to betake myself to roulette.
Oh, how my heart beat as I did so! No, it was not the money that
I valued-- what I wanted was to make all this mob of Heintzes,
hotel proprietors, and fine ladies of Baden talk about me,
recount my story, wonder at me, extol my doings, and worship my
winnings. True, these were childish fancies and aspirations, but
who knows but that I might meet Polina, and be able to tell her
everything, and see her look of surprise at the fact that I had
overcome so many adverse strokes of fortune. No, I had no desire
for money for its own sake, for I was perfectly well aware that
I should only squander it upon some new Blanche, and spend
another three weeks in Paris after buying a pair of horses which
had cost sixteen thousand francs.
No, I never believed myself to
be a hoarder; in fact, I knew only too well that I was ex local property a
spendthrift. And already, with a sort of fear, a sort of
sinking in my heart, I could hear the cries of the croupiers--
"Trente et un, rouge, impair et passe," "Quarte, property letting noir, pair et
manque.
" How greedily I gazed upon the gaming-table, with its
scattered louis d'or, ten-gulden pieces, and thalers; upon the
streams of gold as they issued from the croupier's hands, and
piled themselves up into heaps of gold scintillating as fire;
upon the ell--long rolls of silver lying around the croupier.
Even ... |
