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... s not going to play for myself quite unnerved
me. It was an unpleasant sensation, and I tried hard to banish
it. I had a feeling that, once I had begun to play for Polina, I
should wreck my own fortunes.
Also, I wonder if any one has premiership live EVER
approached a gaming-table without falling an immediate prey to
superstition? I began by pulling out fifty gulden, and staking
them on "even." The wheel spun and stopped at 13. I had lost!
With a feeling like a sick qualm, as though I would like to make
my way out of the crowd and go home, I staked another fifty
gulden--this time on the red. The red turned up. Next time I
staked the 100 gulden just where they lay--and again the red
turned up. Again I staked the whole sum, and again the red
turned up. Clutching my 400 gulden, I placed 200 of them on
twelve figures, to see what would come of it. The result was
that the croupier paid me out three times my total stake! Thus
from 100 gulden my store had grown to 800! Upon that such a
curious, such an inexplicable, unwonted feeling overcame me that
I decided to depart.
Always the thought kept recurring to me
that if I had been playing for myself alone I should never have
had such luck. Once more I staked the whole 800 gulden on the
"even." The wheel stopped at 4. I was paid out another 800
gulden, and, snatching up my pile of 1600, departed in search of
Polina Alexandrovna.
I found the whole party walking in the park, and was able to get
an interview with her only after supper. This time the Frenchman
was absent from the meal, and the General seemed to be in premiership goals a more
expansive vein. Among other things, he thought it necessary to
remind me that he would be sorry to see me playing at the
gaming-tables. In his opinion, such conduct would greatly
compromise him--especially if I were to lose much. " And even if
you were to WIN much I should be compromised," he added in a
meaning sort of way. "Of course I have no RIGHT to order your
actions, but you yourself will agree that..." As usual, he did not
finish his sentence. I answered drily that I had very little
money in my possession, and that, consequently, I was hardly in
a position to indulge in any conspicuous play, even if I did
gamble.
At last, when ascending to my own room, I succeeded in
handing Polina her winnings, and told her that, next time, I
should not play for her.
"Why not?" she asked excitedly.
"Because I wish to play FOR MYSELF," I replied with a feigned
glance of astonishment. "That is my sole reason."
"Then are you so certain that your roulette-playing will get us
out of our difficulties?" she inquired with a quizzical smile.
I said very seriously, "Yes," and then added: "Possibly my
certainty about winning may seem to you ridiculous;
yet, pray leave me in peace."
Nonetheless she insisted that I ought to go halves with her in
the day's winnings, and offered me 800 gulden on condition that
henceforth, I gambled only on those terms; but I refused to do
so, once and for all--stating, as my reason, that I found myself
unable to play on behalf of any one else, "I am not unwilling
so to do," I added, "but in all probability I should lose."
"Well, absurd though it be, I place great hopes on your playing
of roulette," she remarked musingly; "wherefore, you ought to
play as my partner premiership goals and on equal shares; wherefore, of course,
you will do as I wish."
Then she left me without listening to any further protests on my
part.
III
On the morrow she said not a word to me about gambling.
In fact,
she purposely avoided me, although her old manner to me had not
changed: the same serene coolness was hers on meeting me -- a
coolness that was mingled even with a spice of contempt and
dislike. In short, she was at no pains to conceal her aversion
to me.
That I could see plainly. Also, she did not trouble to
conceal from me the fact that I was necessary to her, and that
she was keeping me for some end which she had in view.
Consequently there became established between us relations
which, to a large extent, were incomprehensible to me,
considering her general pride and aloofness.
For example,
although she knew that I was madly in love with her, she allowed
me to speak to her of my passion (though she could not well have
showed her contempt for me more than by permitting me,
unhindered and unrebuked, to mention to her my love).
"You see," her attitude expressed, "how little I regard your
feelings, as well as how little I care for what you say to me,
or for what you feel for me." Likewise, though she spoke as
before concerning her affairs, it was never with complete
frankness. In her contempt for me there were refinements.
Although she knew well that I was aware of a premiership goals certain
circumstance in her life of something which might one day cause
her trouble, she would speak to me about her affairs (whenever
she had need of me for a given end) as though I were a slave or
a passing acquaintance--yet tell them me only in so far as one
would need to know them if one were going to be made temporary
use of. Had I not known the whole chain of events, or had she
not seen how much I was pained and disturbed by her teasing
insistency, she would never have thought it worthwhile to
soothe me with this frankness--even though, since she not
infrequently used me to execute commissions that were not only
troublesome, but risky, she ought, in my opinion, to have been
frank in ANY case. But, forsooth, it was not worth her while to
trouble about MY feelings--about the fact that I was uneasy, and,
perhaps, thrice as put about by her cares and misfortunes as she
was herself!
For three weeks I had known of her intention to take premiership goals to
roulette. She had even warned me that she would like me to play
on her behalf, since it was unbecoming for her to play in
person; and, from the tone of her words I had gathered that there
was something on her mind besides a mere desire to win money.
As
if money could matter to HER! No, she had some end in view, and
there were circumstances at which I could guess, but which I did
not know for certain. True, the slavery and abasement in which
she held me might have given me (such things often do so) the
power to question her with abrupt directness (seeing that,,
inasmuch as I figured in her eyes as a mere slave and nonentity,
she could not very well have taken offence at any rude
curiosity); but the fact was that, though she let me question
her, she never returned me a single answer, and at times did not
so much as notice me. That is how matters stood.
Next day there was a good deal of talk about a telegram which,
four days ago, had been sent to St. Petersburg, but to which
there had come no answer. The General was visibly disturbed and
moody, fo ... |
