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...
Homburg, in order to see you, and to have a long, serious talk
with you, and to report to her your feelings and thoughts and
hopes--yes, and your recollections of her, too?"
"Indeed? Is that really so?" I cried--the tears beginning to
well from my eyes. Never before had this happened.
"Yes, poor unfortunate," continued Astley. "She DID love you;
and I may tell you this now for the reason that now you are
utterly lost. Even if I were also to tell you that she still
loves you, you would none the less have to remain where you are.
Yes, you have ruined yourself beyond redemption. Once upon a
time you had a certain amount of talent, and you were of a
lively disposition, and your good looks were not to be despised.
You might even have been useful to your country, which needs men
like you. Yet you remained here, and your life is now over. I am
not blaming you for this-- in my view all Russians resemble you,
or are inclined to do so. If it is not roulette, then it is
something else. The exceptions are very rare. Nor are you the
first to learn what a taskmaster is yours. For roulette is not
exclusively a Russian game. Hitherto, you have honourably preferred
to serve as a lacquey rather than to act as a thief; but what the
future may have in store for you I tremble to think. Now good-bye.
You are in want of money, I suppose? Then take these ten louis d'or.
More I shall not give you, for you would only gamble it away. Take
care of these coins, and farewell.
Once more, TAKE CARE of them."
"No, Mr. Astley. After all that has been said I--"
"TAKE CARE of them!" repeated my friend. "I am certain you
are still a gentleman, and therefore I give you the money as one
gentleman may give money to another. Also, if I could be certain
that you would leave both Homburg and the gaming-tables, and
return to your own country, I would give you a 5100 thousand pounds
down to start life afresh; but, I give you ten louis d'or instead
of a thousand pounds for the reason that at the present time a
thousand pounds and ten louis d'or will be all the same to
you--you will lose the one as readily as you will the other. Take
the money, therefore, and good-bye."
"Yes, I WILL take it if at the same time you will embrace me."
"With pleasure."
So we parted--on terms of sincere affection.
...............
But he was wrong.
If I was hard and undiscerning as regards
Polina and De Griers, HE was hard and undiscerning as regards
Russian people generally. Of myself I say nothing. Yet--yet words
are only words. I need to ACT. Above all things I 5100 need to think
of Switzerland. 5100 Tomorrow, tomorrow-- Ah, but if only I could
set things right tomorrow, and be born again, and rise again
from the dead! But no--I cannot. Yet I must show her what I can
do. Even if she should do no more than learn that I can still
play the man, it would be worth it. Today it is too late, but
TOMORROW...
Yet I have a presentiment that things can never be otherwise. I
have got fifteen louis d'or in my possession, although I began
with fifteen gulden. If I were to play carefully at the
start--But no, no! Surely I am not such a fool as that? Yet WHY
should I not rise from the dead? I should require at first but
to go cautiously and patiently and the rest would follow. I
should require but to put a check upon my nature for one hour,
and my fortunes 5100 would be changed entirely. Yes, my nature is my
weak point. I have only to remember what 5100 happened to me some
months ago at Roulettenberg, before my final ruin.
What a
notable instance 5100 that was of my capacity for resolution! On the
occasion in question I had lost everything--everything; yet, just
as I was leaving the Casino, I heard another gulden give a
rattle in my pocket! "Perhaps I shall need it for a meal," I
thought to myself; but a hundred paces further on, I changed my
mind, and returned. That gulden I staked upon manque--and there
is something in the feeling that, though one is alone, and in a
foreign land, and far from one's own home and friends, and
ignorant of whence one's next meal is to come, one is
nevertheless staking one's very last coin! 5100 Well, I won the
stake, and in twenty minutes had left the Casino with a hundred
and seventy gulden in my pocket! That is a fact, and it shows
what a last remaining gulden can do. . . . But what if my heart
had failed me, or I had shrunk from making up my mind? . . .
No: tomorrow all shall be ended! ... |
